Looking back I know that BDSM has always been a part of my life even though I never recognised it as such at the time. Being a schoolboy (born 1953) we played cowboy and indians. I only wanted to join when one of my friends brought his kid sister along that we could use as a squaw and tie to a tree. I always volunteered to stay at camp and guard the little girl.
At the age of 12 I watched a movie (rated for over 16) with some sex scenes and nudity. The film impressed me enormously, not because of the scenes mentioned but for a scene where a man was tied to a chair ans interrogated. They smacked his face so hard that he fell over still tied to the chair. This film was not broadcasted again for over 40 years but this scene seemed to be imprinted in my brain cells.
In puberty I was very shy towards girls but I can't recall any BDSM feelings whith girls. I fantasized a lot about girls, courting and sex and I liked to watch (as all young boys) naughty magazines. I met my wife on the age of 22 and she was the first woman I actually fucked with. I was - at the time - never aware of any BDSM feelings or I would have never married her. She was (and still is) a very sweet woman and no way into hardcore stuff with sex.
I think we had a normal sex-life even though with the introduction of video I kept a (more than average?) interest in porn movies. I just liked to do role-play sex in bed; fantasies about her being in the locker room at the swimming pool and I had nicked her clothes or her being a servant forced to serve her Master. Nothing with bondage or whips though.
Somewhere between the age of 25 and 35 I discovered that some movies aroused me more than others or some scenes had more effect on me. I couldn't quite point the finger at it why, but scenes with girls making out had my special attention.
Especially when they would smack each others asses, slap tits or faces, pulled hair or bit nipples. At a certain point I had it figured out, it was SM I was after. Especially where men dominated women. That is what I wanted. Dominating women. But how could this be. I was (and still am) a friendly, romantic dreamer. peacefull and always trying to avoid violence. One who thinks that man and women are equal.
I couldn't imagine that there were women who actually liked being submissive; my God they sure needed to pay them a fortune to go this far in these movies. It all confused me; I hated agressive, dominant men that degraded women, but I couldn't stop watching it. Was I losing my mind?
Fighting the other me for 20 years
Every time I watched an SM movie I felt guilty about having these feelings. Still the next day I would fantasize every free minute about being the Lord on a castle and keeping young women in chains in my dungeon. Normal sex was boring and although I made advances, my wife's illness made sex to a rare occasion and I was actually glad about that.
When my wife's condition improved I found out that I couldn't perform anymore in the bedroom and I didn't understand why. Later I found out vanilla sex (even vanilla porn) didn't arouse me anymore.
A couple of years ago my wife found some of my BDSM porn movies. She accused me of being sick and a pervert if those were the kind of films I enjoyed watching. I told her I wasn't a pervert and that I could explain it all but that this was useless for she wouldn't understand it. The truth of the matter being I didn't understand it myself.
I started searching the net for BDSM pictures and movies and discovered Hogtied.com There was no way I could join that for I couldn't transfer the money without my wife finding out. In 2007 I learned I could send them cash money in an envelope.
Joining Kink and finally arriving home
For months I just watched films. I never bothered with the forums nor with the introductionary and exit interviews with each shoot. Why talk about BDSM, it's the action I wanted. Hundreds of shoots and soon joining other Kink.com sites like Whipped Ass, The Training of O, Sex and Submission and Wired Pussy.
All these shoots seemed so genuine, there was no acting here; but why were these models willing to do this. Okay everybody said they actually loved it, but that was just to justify the Dominant's actions, right? Slowly it started to sink in that maybe, just maybe there were women who actually enjoyed this.
Then one day I watched a Wired Pussy shoot with my favourite model, the one and only Madison Young. I wanted to see the rigging and it was in the same clip as the interview. So I gathered what the heck let's watch the interview for once.
And there she was telling with a huge smile that she was addicted to rope. That she could cum from the smell of rope. And that she liked hands: hands smacking her ass, slapping her face, her pussy, choking her, pulling her hair. All this was stated with a huge smile on her face. And then it really hit me; she loves this, adores every minute of it, the harder the better.
I dived into the forum from that day on. Starting to write stories setting free all these fantasies that were in my head for so many years. Discussions with other members in the forum made sure that all the other jig-saw puzzle pieces finally fell in their place. I finally arrived home and I could hug my alter ego Starmaster as the long lost friend, finally arriving home.
Once the ghost has left the bottle ......
....... it will not go back in again. I finally ended the war with Starmaster but at the same time entered a new struggle. Now that I knew all this Starmaster wanted to go on, have a sub of his own, but G (me) wanted to hang on to his marriage and coulcn't betray his wife. I loved (and still do) my wife dearly, but could I ever tell her the truth? She wouldn't understand surely and file for divorce.
A new dilemma for months. I will not trouble you with all details; some of my thoughts during that period were not of the finest. Untill one day I had the chance to write an e-mail to the ever so lovely Jade Marxxx. One of the most natural BDSM Porn models I ever saw.
She showed me that it is possible to be a BDSM lifestyler and at the same time be in a vanilla relationship.
Now our rrelationship is as strong as ever and no sub will ever be able to break that bond. Only a few months after this evening she allowed me to go looking for a sub. And that is where I stand today; looking for a sub and after having found the right one, collar her, to give Starmaster his peace as I have refound with my wife.
Starmaster is looking for the most obedient sub in the world that has the courage to be disobedient every now and thener months of preparations and several backing offs for circumstances were not ideal I finally told my wife. She had the fright of her life and it took a few weeks before information all sank in. But on the very night that I told her she made me the happiest man alive, stating that she would not divorce me over this. It was as if we re-married after 31 years.