What is BDSM (page 3)

Restrictions
They can be obtained in different ways: to all forms of bondage, through rules and regulations; through physical (dis)abillities or through mental (dis)abillities. I don't mean that we are talking about disabled persons here; but suppose you tell a sub to keep her arms behind her back as well as shake hands with you.

Restrictions will accentuate the power situation between the D and the s, but at the same time can be a form of play in itself. A popular play is where the D tells the sub that she cannot answer questions with no and that he will punish her as she does anyway.

A form of play with mental restrictions is interrogation play; a sub has a secret that she tries not to reveal as long as possible. The D (interrogator) will increase torture or decrease pleasure to make her tell. This kind of play is also very suitable for testing and pushing a sub's limits.

Roleplay
In itself roleplay is just a (sexual) play that doesn't have to be a BDSM thing. Most roleplays in BDSM however contain normal power situations like: teacher/pupil, doctor/patient, parent/child (between adults that is) and such. The servant or cleaning maid are als good examples. Roleplay is not acting and as real as any other type of play. It is just the set-up of the play that makes it different.

In many phantasy play there is a reversed role pattern, like the pupil domming the teacher; the patient domming the doctor or nurse. A special kind of roleplay is rape-play. bear in mind that actual rape (non-consensual) has nothing to do with BDSM. Many subs however have the phantasy of being attacked by surprise by one or even multiple 'strangers'. Some like them to be real strangers others want them to be friends, however masked to make it more real. I prefer to call this 'surprise-fuck-phantasy' rather than rape-play.

Mindplay
This can mean various things as well. Note that I talk about mindplay here and not mindfuck. Mindfuck has the intention to 'fuck' with ones mind and go for permanent damages of alterations. Often mindplay is use to confuse orientation or just frighten the sub. A good example is where a sub is shown a sharp knife just before she is blindfolden and being threatened to be cut up. After that the D uses another metal item to press against the skin and the sub will have the idea that she is cut up.

For me mindplay is about opening little doors in the sub's mind, look what is behind them and leaving some alternatives there. Mindplay for me is all about, coaching, mentoring, making a sub grow and develop, helping her to face her fears and last but not least to gently push her boundaries.

The triangle of safe, sane & consensual

A third way of looking at BDSM is by this triangle. Although there are people that are okay with play outside these boundaries. I feel - as most people in the community do - that BDSM- play should be within.

So BDSM is the situation where one person holds control over the other person in a way that is:

     1. Safe: one should take precautions in terms of safety (have a sharp knife nearby when you do bondage)
     2. Sane: do not perform play that is considered unhealthy, hazardous for sanity
     3. Consensual: meaning a play between adults that both choose for this play in total freedom and who are not in a dependable relation with one another.

BDSM is considered play but not just a game
Some people prefer to talk about a session or an event, others as play. I myself talk about play because it has similarities with play or games in sport:

     1. It is played in a playing field or aree
     2. There are rules to be followed
     3. There is a certain time frame within the play takes place
     4. It is set-up with the goal of all participants to enjoy

However it should never be seen as just some game that is not serious or can be taken light-heartedly.

What is BDSM not

The last angle to look at this is from the negative aspect. In general, society often confuses BDSM with all kinds of other activities, that bear no relation with BDSM whatsoever. In modern times there is so much info available that these situations of ignorance should no longer exist. They do however, especially sustained by all kinds of political (confessional, right wing) movements. So in order to show those parties, BDSM has nothing to with:

Rape
Rape is non-consensual and is by definition not a part of BDSM. Rapists have the urge to have sex to certain other individuals, especially when the other person doesn't want to. Rapist cannot control themselves and cannot be cured from this urge. Within BDSM respect plays a huge part and as a rule players are very dsiciplined and controlled. Doms as well as subs.

Peadophilia
Just as rape it cannot be part of BDSM by definition. It is not consensual, it's done with a minor, it's done with a person that is in a dependable situation and it is illegal. Any form of (child) abuse whether it is sexual or non-sexual, physical or mental cannot be a part of BDSM. Childabusers have a non-controllable urge to do so. Even those that state that they just wanna see a phantasy about that are considered to be dangerrous. Those who are sexually aroused by watching that are potential child abusers and records and studies show that they will eventually abuse a minor.

Abuse
Many people don't see the difference between a D faceslapping his s or a husband smacking his wife around. The latter is an act of agression and the former is an act of love. Maybe you cannot see that to be true but take it from me or any other member in the community. Many subs are in vanilla love-relationships and take things from their D that they would not take from their husband. Or said differently: they love to be whipped by their D as much as they love to be kissed by their husbands.

My sub friend Andrea has a good expression I always quote: "Hey I am a submissive, not a doormat."